i want to be in the soup.

from a girl who always wanted to feel included.

there’s an expression back from the coastal region of my country that translates to english as “being in the soup”.

some people view it differently depending on the context in which its said, for example, “being part of an exclusive group” and “having the inside scoop,” but a general meaning would be “to be included”. the most similar counterpart i can think of in english is “being in the room where it happens.”

all throughout my life, i have perceived being excluded as one of the biggest displays of dislike. every time it happened to me i felt like the worst person ever, like i wasn’t enough.

from getting left out of birthday parties and hangouts, to the lunch table (this was my sister, and alas, she has been apologizing for this during a decade), to my highest motivator for academic excellence being feeling left out of the honor roll ceremony.

pam says this on “the office”,

I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I hate even thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me.

i have never thought of myself as having to be liked by every single person, (well, not to pam’s extent) but i realized that when someone didn’t like me, it affected me. whether i kept thinking about interactions with that person, trying to find a reason for them disliking me, or going the extra mile to be kind with them so as to change their perception of me. i need to find that specific thing that they didn’t like, i need to find the detonator that ticked off the bomb.

my therapist once mentioned that i was building friendships out of kindness, and albeit that’s not like the worst thing to build a friendship on, it was almost transactional, and i could only give so much of myself before the friendship took a strain on me or the other person distanced themselves. my therapist also mentioned that while giving it your all and nothing else, you’re denying the other person a chance to give, to help out, to step up and work for the friendship.

so whenever i make new friends (especially if its a friend group) i go the extra extra mile to be the kindest version of myself, even if it leaves me feeling empty. and that emptiness only grows whenever friends can only describe me as “kind” “a sweetheart” or “angel”. but, i’m more than that, right? i’m smart and creative, i think that i’m actually pretty funny, i can be spontaneous at times and i’m a very good dinner party host.

as much as i want to be “in the soup”, i cannot spend every day giving out pieces of myself in order to be accepted. i don’t want my friendships to be one-sided. even if its small, i want my circle to know me and love me.